Our Story | Laugh, Love, Learn

How I learned that OEs aren't something that needs fixing Overexcitabilities can look very different from one individual to another, which is why it took me so long to identify them as the reason for my son’s unusual behaviour. I’d seen OEs briefly mentioned, but only connection with giftedness, which isn’t talked about here in the UK. (I can imagine it now, like a scene from a sitcom. My son mid-meltdown in the Harry Potter Experience gift shop, while I explain to frowning onlookers, “It’s because he’s gifted, you know”.)

No one here talks about giftedness, and no one talks about overexcitabilities.

Before I found the one person in Britain who does talk about OEs (she’s Dutch) we’d taken our son to see half a dozen ‘experts’, none of whom could explain his extreme reactions. They mostly agreed, though, that his behaviour needed fixing so he could have a normal life.

Sensitivity and intensity reframed

I knew the PowerWood workshop was going to be different when, within the first half hour, we were looking at photos of people like Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Steve Jobs, Princess Diana, Alfred Nobel and PewDiePie (ask your children about the last one).

What did all these people have in common? They didn’t achieve what they did by curing their OEs – they succeeded because of them.

Finally someone was saying something that resonated with my experience. Yes, my son may be challenging at times, but I’ve always known that his intense energy, imagination, curiosity and zest for life could one day take him wherever he wants to go.

The five types of OE

Our workshop leader Simone de Hoogh went on to talk in detail about the five types of overexcitability – emotional, imaginational, sensual, intellectual and psychomotor. As I listened to the characteristics of each type of OE and the challenges and opportunities related to them, I began to sense a framework within which every single aspect of my intense, sensitive son’s behaviour made perfect sense. The relief was incredible.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring each type of OE and giving a few examples from my family’s experience. I’d love you to join me and share your own stories along the way.

Do you feel different from other people? Maybe more intense, sensitive, or just a bit weird?

When I was a little girl I knew I was different. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Why else did adults so often tell me to stop being so sensitive, or ask me, ‘Why are you so intense?’

I learned to squash my eccentricities, revealing my true self to only a few trusted friends. I did this so well I ended up in a job I hated, which everyone said I’d be mad to give up because I’d trained for so long to get there.

My sensitive and intense family

Then I had children. Two distinct personalities, parented quite differently from how I’d been brought up, and they were different from other children, too.

One wanted to join in every group activity and try every craft project she came across. The other couldn’t be in a group for more than fifteen minutes without having a meltdown. He was happiest playing in his own imaginary worlds from morning until night.

My firstborn was intense but extroverted. Except for the occasional outburst, she fitted with the way our society says kids should be. By contrast, we spent years trailing my second child around ‘experts,’ trying to figure out what was going on with him and how we could help him fit into society better.

Those explorations eventually led me to a workshop in which all was revealed, not just about him but about my daughter and myself, too.

What was this well-kept secret?

My children and I have nervous systems that are more sensitive than average. We have strong reactions to things other people don’t even notice. We’re easily overwhelmed by our emotions. And we generally experience life at a more intense level.

Psychologists call this combination of innate personality traits ‘overexcitability’ (OE for short).

Over the last nine months I’ve thrown myself into finding out as much about overexcitability as I can. What I’ve discovered has helped me understand not only my children but also myself on a whole new level. The sense peace this has given me is profound.

Since that first OE workshop I’ve worked as a volunteer with PowerWood, a not-for-profit social venture which supports families living with OE, founded and led by my heroine Simone de Hoogh. I’ve also written about OE in parenting magazines, and of course I share stories about how to live positively with intensity and sensitivity here on this blog.

All this has left little time for my home-education blog, Navigating By Joy. I love being part of the blogging community, but I’ve often wanted to share more personal stories that I hoped would touch and encourage other people.

Join me

If you’d like to share experiences, information and tips about life in a sensitive and intense family, I’d love you to subscribe to receive e-mail updates of my blog – just leave your email address in the box at the bottom of the page.

You might also want to like my Laugh Love Learn Facebook page where I’ll be sharing interesting and helpful ideas and resources.